So frail, and yet so angry. She was down to 90 lb at 5’4″. I had a cousin with anorexia. It was her way of exerting authority in a life she felt was beyond her control.

It was scary to see her formerly athletic frame hunched and saggy, as she struggled to close jeans over a distended belly that she perceived to be fat.

I get it. When life spins and spins, when everyone is telling you what to do, the one thing you can undeniably control is what you put in your mouth.

When I got to college I became friends with many girls who had formerly suffered from eating disorders, and some guys who still suffered with them. As a parent, I feel for their parents.

When kids feel cornered they want to feel empowered. Even if their parents were acting with the best intentions, even if they were doing everything right, it’s the kid’s perception that matters. The three disorders I saw were anorexia, bulemia, and severe picky eating – literally eating 5 foods total. Not food groups. Foods. Like french fries and not baked potatoes.

I always wanted to be on the lookout for any signs of power struggles and see how we could address them. I figure my job as a parent is to help them make the right decisions for themselves, not make the decisions for them. Sometimes they fail. It sucks. It will affect them for years, but I cannot spoon-feed life to them.

I recently noticed Veronica skipping breakfast. She didn’t like what I serve (startup oatmeal) and knew she wasn’t allowed to just grab a bowl of cereal.

A little backstory on the epic oatmeal

Veronica decided a few months ago that she would no longer eat steel cut oats. She didn’t like them and simply wouldn’t eat. I recognized a power struggle in the making.

So, we made a little deal. She can bake herself scones, muffins whatever to have for breakfast, but she must eat breakfast every day. She cannot, however, skip meals.

She’s been pretty good about it, and generous with baked delectables. This week, she forgot to bake, so she tried to get away with just having yogurt. Her older brother made merciless fun of her. I told him to back off. Boys and dads do not understand the need to give us girls our space.

While I let it go for a couple of days, I didn’t want this to become a habit. She is now making herself smoothies each day if she doesn’t have any baked goods.

I’m not sure what most people consider a smoothie, so here’s what flies in my house:

• banana
• some sort of berries
• plain yogurt or plain yogurt drink
• kale (if I’m the one making it)
• brewers yeast (if I’m the one making it)
• crushed ice